Chanella Bella (chanchanbuns) wrote,
Chanella Bella

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Yesterday, I was going to write about how proud I was of all of the things I had done last night. Well, most. I was disappointed in my macaroons, but you can't win em all. Unless you do, then you're just a lucky person.

The production list was as follows: (to be graded)

4 biscuits
6 blueberry sour cream muffins
12 macaroons
12 double chocolate chip cookies
12 pinwheel cookies
1 apple pie with lattice crust

Baked all at different temperatures, and all with different prep times.

I thought the world of my pinwheels. I thought they were executed very nicely, and to the standard I was taught to execute them. The same goes for the muffins, and apple pie. The biscuits I was going to remake, and the macaroons I saved for last because I hate them. Didn't think the double chocolate chip cookies were too bad either, especially since I saw some disasters with no one remaking them.

I think its people who strive for mediocracy that drive me the most crazy. Just enough to get by, and be done. If its not my best, I don't even want to turn it in.

I thought more of the students in my class, and I thought we would be the class that could be the most consistent. I am wrong so far.

Tonight, I found out my grades for each product evaluated and I think saying that I was disappointed would be the understatement of the century. I know they weren't the best, but they certainly were not the worst. If anything, my work was consistent and done with technique. That's the most disheartening part about it. I found myself in class at the end of the night, cleaning, and being really freakin depressed.

I'm also on the rag so that doesn't help jack poo. I was (am) depressed and I can't help starting to lose confidence. I know tomorrow I will gain it back. Actually, the more I think about it, I gain it back. I KNOW HOW TO DO THIS STUFF. Its ridiculous to think I don't know how to bake a fucking cookie. Or create a decent looking baguette. That's so stupid. I know what I'm good at, and I know what my goals are.

But the shitty part about it all is I thought my product was good; technically correct. I was proud of what I put forward, and I assumed thats what the chef wanted.

I am sick of being unclear of expectations. I am sick of subjective grading. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean that's not how its supposed to be.

Its also not like me to get grades like this. I was just so disappointed in myself, but also in the grading process. If its gonna be this subjective, I'm screwed. I think everybody is. Different chefs teach different skills. I just don't know anymore.

But you gotta keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise.

Tomorrow is a new day. I just hope things work out. I'm just ready to make some good shit.

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